Third Wheel

Perhaps it’s just because I don’t have experience.

Okay that’s likely the reason.

I hate playing the third wheel most of the time not really because it’s mainly awkward, but usually because I like to think that a relationship is sacred and the space between a couple something I can’t enter. It’s like when they are around an invisible wall automatically builds around them and I feel like I can’t enter that.

But of course, having a part-time job as a lightbulb is often an eye-opener. I see things that I’d never get to see about my friends when we’re in a bigger group. Good or not, that depends.. hahaha.

Kay whatever just being random heheh.

내가 제일잘나가 I AM THE BEST

Been feeling inadequate for a really long time.. and how I have therefore become so unwilling to seek alternate routes to so-called ‘fulfil my dreams’.

Because of circumstances I decided to not apply to Aussie universities even though I understood super clearly (I heard you the first time) how an 85.5 would get me almost anywhere for the course of my choice.

Suddenly didn’t feel like writing any longer.

But as CL aptly puts it,

어떤 비교도 난 거부해 이건 겸손한 얘기
(I refuse to be compared, I’m telling you the truth)

Thank you for your concern, or lack thereof. Hahaha.

Bored.

The last two people you kissed, what’s something they have in common? 
No last one haha
First thing you ate today?

Sodapia!!
When was the last time you were told you were cute?
Genuinely can’t remember.. do people ever call me that anyway?
When was the last time you were truly, completely happy?
Primary school?
What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?
Last day of work for the term! Probably gonna go home.. and nua.

another one..

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?
OMG TOTALLY THIS ANSWER FROM ANOTHER PERSON –> GLEE ISNT DOWNLOADING AND I WANT TO KNOW WHY KURT DIDNT GET IN TO NYADA

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?
Never before.. Hahaha

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?
they wouldn’t be my significant other if they smoked pot, so yes I would care <– OMG SAME ANSWER FROM THE OTHER PERSON

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?
I trust too easily and get hurt every time <– OMG SAME ANSWER AGAIN!!

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?
Sleeping

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?
I’d probably never get drunk.. if I were I’d probably be alone, because I don’t freaking get drunk.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
Dno. Probably feels like the one who filled the void in my heart just chewed around the void and made a bigger hole

8: Are you close with your dad?
Nah

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?
Nah

10: What are you listening to?
Haru Haru (Jap)  by Big Bang

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life – what is it?
Water?

12. Do you like hickeys?
God knows ..

13: What time do you go to bed?
Lately, about 10+

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
Yes

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?
Yeap

16: Do you always answer your texts?
No. I hate texting..

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?
Hahahaha

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
Face to face? Probably Saturday

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
Yeah, like a happy pill right? Esther 😀

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
OMG DENISE GOT IN

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?
Nope

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Yeap 

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?
I guess..

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?
Yeah. Sucks…

25: In the past week, have you cried?
Yeah 

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?
Wearing a dress. My signature peter pan collar styled dress

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?
Nah

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?
Probably. I wouldn’t know. I’m ignoring a lot of people right now.

29: Do you have a best friend?
Yeapppppppp =)

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?
God knows..

31: Who was your last call from?
Zhiying

32: Are you mad at anyone?
Maybe??

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
No

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?
DNO

35: How many more days until your birthday?
10 months? 

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?
Not so much, just a couple of camps!

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?
A few..

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?
Yeah, but no one knows

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?
Yeah

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

No?

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?
Maybe

42: Are you available?
I am (HAHA)

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?
None 

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?
Belly? Dnoooo

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?
I don’t know

46: Do you regret anything?
Couple of stuff

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
GLEE SEASON 3 FINALE

48: Did you ever lost a best friend?
Yes 

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

Dno

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

coz I dont like anyone

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
Dno

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?
WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ABOUT THE PERSON I LAST KISSED, SHH

53: What was the last thing you ate?
Cucumbers

54: Did you get any compliments today?
No

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?
Seoul 

56: Do you own anything from other countries?
Lots of stuff from the USA and Japan

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?
More girls than guys I guess.

58: Where have you lived most of your life?
Singapore

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?
Can’t drive..

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
Yeap

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?
No 

62: Who do you text the most?
Nobody

63: What was the last movie you saw?
Avengers?

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?
I dont have a boyf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010?
0

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?
Dno

67: Do you curse around your parents?
Don’t curse

68: Are you happy with where you live?
Nothing ever happens in Singapore

69: Do you collect anything?
BB/SJ stuff

70: What’s your favourite colour?
Blue/Pink/Red

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone?
Nah I just love the song

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you?
Wouldn’t know

73: What are your plans for tomorrow?
Sleep for all of eternity

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one?
One

75: Does your last ex have a job?
No ex

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship?
I wouldn’t really care

77: Where is your cellphone?
Charging

78: What colour is your cellphone?
White 

79: What did you dream of last night?
Didn’t

80: Are you atheist?
No

81: Will you change your name when you get married?
I think so

82: Are you ready for autumn weather?
ANYTIME MAN

83: Have you had any big storms recently?
Like literally?

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing?
Dress is polka dotted..

What’s this?

Blue: things that make you happy? – Boyish smiles, (heartwarming) love stories with fairytale endings, fairy tales, nice people, shopping
Red: things that make you mad? – insensitive people, cursing, drinking, smoking…..
Orange: a funny memory ? – i don’t usually remember funny stuff..
Pink: favorite color? – Red/Pink/White
Yellow: where would you go right now? – I wna be in London lol
Purple: someone you like? – Like like or just like? if it’s just like then it’s most of my close friends
Green: who you consider your best friend? – MAEEEEEE
White: 3 things off your bucket list – Fall in love, learn how to dance, meadow wedding
Brown: anyone you miss extremely? – close friends in general

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
Not long ago, had dinner together

Do you tend to update your Facebook status a lot?
Yeap

Is there someone you feel you can talk to about absolutely anything?
Not really.. it’s like there are different friends for different things. No person.

What subject were you best at in school?
Spoon licking (HAHAHA)

Would you say you’re an honest person?
No

What does your pencil case look like?
Red box, transparent muji box, now it’s a metal duck case

Where was the last place you went that was totally new to you?
JAPAN

Tell me five random facts about your sibling(s). (Or your best friend, if you’re an only child.)
Dragon boating, computer games, guys..

What’s the first line of the last song you listened to?
Yeah
Finally I realized
That I’m nothing without you

Someone cooks for you, but you don’t like the food at all – what do you do?
Dno

Think back to how you were a year ago. Do you like yourself more than you did then?
I love myself now

Have you ever stolen anything? If so, what was it?
Dn wna recall

Did you shave your legs today?
Nope

Do you think of yourself as a girly girl?
Sometimes

Do you bite your nails?
Revolting

What’s your favourite eye colour for the opposite sex?
Human colour

Do you enjoy the company of girls or guys better? Why?
Depends

Do you have any secrets that you would never tell ANYONE?
Yes, and why should I say it??

What do you like about the bodies of the opposite gender?
Shoulders?

What is love?
God knows

What were you doing yesterday?
Home.

When was the last time you cried?
Dno

What are your LEGAL initials?
LYX

When was the last time you laughed really hard, and why?
Dno

Is there someone you will never forgive?
Probably

Are you gonna get high later?
No

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Left

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008?
Totally different

Would your parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
No

Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? 
No

Some kinda week just passed. Some kinda weeks ahead.

These tumblr questions..

  1. Are you young at heart, or an old soul? Old soul.
  2. What makes someone a best friend? Being there when I need them. I mean there. You know. Pick up the phone.
  3. What Christmas (or Hanukkah) present do you remember the most? My family is so traditionally Chinese we don’t celebrate Christmas, and amongst friends we don’t have a habit of exchanging Christmas gifts. So the best Christmas present was and forever will be Christ himself.
  4. Tell me about a movie/song/tv show/play/book that has changed your life. My Sister’s Keeper was an amazing movie. For a good half of the movie my tears just kept spilling like as if they were free. But more importantly it made me more human than I have ever been. I’ve never been a very person person, but I’ve never felt so strongly in wanting to become so involved in human relationships before.
  5. Name one physical feature that you like about yourself, and one you dislike. I have a lot of head hair. I’m fat. #notindenial
  6. Would you like to reconnect with any friends you’ve lost contact with? Rather than reconnecting I really just need a small group of friends that’s real close. But seems like we’re so busy with other stuff I haven’t seen people I used to see everyday for more than months already.
  7. What’s more important in a relationship: physical attraction or emotional connection? Emotional connection. I’m so sick with the feelings you can say I’m obsessed. 
  8. Name a movie that you knew would be terrible just from reading the title.
  9. What holiday do you most look forward to? Chinese New Year. I love it when my extended family comes together. It’s so awkward it’s so cool that I have 52 cousins on my dad’s side.
  10. How is the relationship between you and your parents? Rather typical Chinese family.. except they’re pretty lax about the discipline so it’s kinda like the discipline is very much your own responsibility.
  11. You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really watching. What channel is the TV on? Starworld, I think. Usually only watch TV for replays, and I don’t concentrate.
  12. Name a song that never fails to make you happy. Butterfly by G-Dragon! It’s such a sweet song.
  13. You know at least one person named Michael. Tell me about him. No I don’t.
  14. Have you ever read the “missed connections” on Craigslist? Have you ever posted one, or wanted to? Nope. Maybe I’d post for Prince Charming with good hair and boyish smile next time.
  15. If you could pick anywhere to live the rest of your life, where would it be? Melbourne.
  16. Can money buy happiness? I do believe that it does, but it’s really where you spend the money on. Like spending a lot of money on shopping isn’t really happiness, because you only just want more, better, different. It does make the world that we live in go round, but in true happiness, rich or poor makes no difference.
  17. Do you drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Why, or why not? No. Never. Forever no. I do understand that people drink/smoke/do drugs for the sake of social function or whatever reasons they give. I do understand that it’s fine that people have control. But sometimes we lose control, and I don’t want to put myself into a position where I have that possibility of losing control while doing any of those.
  18. Is there anyone close to you that you know you can’t trust? You don’t have to give names. By definition, trust is the “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something“. I’ve tried trust with many people and sometimes I get owned by that. Of course, I refuse to break after breaking once. But being close to someone but not being to trust them doesn’t really work for me. I need to know that they’ll be people I can trust for me to even be close to them.
  19. Where was your favorite place to go when you were a little kid? Australia. I practically lived in that country every holiday as a kid.
  20. Have you ever spent a night in the hospital? As a young kid yes. Got asthma relapse.
  21. Do you enjoy being with only one or two friends, or with a large group of people? Large group of people. I don’t like being the centre of the attention, and I find silence awkward, no matter how comfortable the other person is with it.
  22. Do you like the type of music your parents listen to? Do your parents like the type of music you listen to? My dad listens to some Buddha worship songs, while my mum listens to Korean Drama OSTs. My mum is okay my dad doesn’t care.
  23. Have you ever been bullied? Have you ever bullied anyone else? Both yes, even though I don’t mean to.
  24. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? MILO FOREVER.
  25. If your partner wanted to wait until marriage before having sex, would you stay in that relationship? Yes (I wouldn’t really know yet)
  26. Do you believe in a god? I believe in God.
  27. Of all the social networks in the world, why use Tumblr? Because all the social networks were made out to be different, albeit similar. Since I’m so free just use all LO.
  28. What’s your favorite Tumblr tag to track? #jiyong
  29. Would you call yourself/your family “middle class?” I guess?
  30. Name a TV series you didn’t enjoy until after it ended. Don’t remember. I do remember that Hellcats was nice but it got cancelled lol.
  31. Have you ever bought a product from an infomercial? Don’t think so.. wouldn’t remember either.
  32. If you could give up your car and never have to drive again, would you? DUH.
  33. If you go back to one point in time to give advice to yourself, when would you go and what would you say? P1. Join ballet and learn the piano. Your life would be so vastly different.
  34. What’s your “quirkiest” habit? I’m a hugger.
  35. What is “normal?” Are you normal? Normal is not mentally retarded? Nope!
  36. Someone close to you is dying. You have the choice to let this person live for 10 more years, but if you do, you cause the death of 10 strangers. You don’t have to see them die. Do you take the offer? No. I’m pretty sure that person wouldn’t want this too. This is like indirect murder.
  37. What is one thing you could never forgive? Betrayal. There will always always always be scars.
  38. Would you rather be in a relationship after the honeymoon period ends, or be single? Be in the relationship. What’s the point of going through the honeymoon period and not coming out of it stronger?
  39. Is it possible for guys and girls to be just friends? For me, I have learnt to say yes.
  40. Where do you and your friends go to hang out? Random places.. Mae’s and Janson’s are popular. Otherwise it’s mostly food.
  41. Write the first paragraph of your obituary. For the one who loved
  42. What is the best TV theme song ever? I really loved 绿光森林 
  43. When you were young, what would you dream you would be when you grew up? Dancer.
  44. When you’re alone in your own home, do you walk around naked? Nope.
  45. What gets you out of bed in the morning? Mum screaming. Jiyong singing.
  46. Do you want to have more friends than you have right now? No.
  47. What part of the past year sticks out in your mind? I’m thinking Japan. Although I don’t feel much. Feels really weird.
  48. You win a scratch-off lottery game that gives you $2000 a week (after taxes) for the rest of your life. Do you keep your job? Depends if I love my job or not.
  49. Could you be in a long-distance relationship? If you’re in one, what makes yours work? Yes. SMSes. Phone calls.
  50. What’s the best route to your heart? Sincerity and charms. The kind of person who gives me butterflies in the stomach. I love a romantic guy, honestly. I will meltz and diez.
  51. Have you ever met someone through the internet, then met them in real life? Nope..
  52. What is your favorite sport? Dance. To me, the least boring sport.
  53. What has been troubling you lately? My walk with God, my friends..
  54. Did you enjoy your high school prom? If you haven’t gotten there yet, do you look forward to it? If you didn’t go, why not? Not really. I felt like I paid $110 for nothing. I like American prom.. Singapore prom machiam like wedding reception eat dinner then go clubbing with OTHER schools -.-
  55. What do you use more often: your intuition or logical reasoning? Intuition
  56. Do you know what makes you happy? Small things, sweet things, greetings, cute boyish smiles
  57. Tell me about the last book you read. Hunger Games.. I cried when she said her goodbyes. While watching the movie too. It was good. I hope it doesn’t disappoint.
  58. What is the nicest compliment you’ve ever been given? Thank God for you.
  59. Who was your first crush? Yi Kang. OMG I CAN STILL REMEMBER HIS HOME PHONE NUMBER.
  60. Do you believe that there is life on other planets?  God knows.. He knows.
  61. Predict what your life will look like a year from now. I honestly don’t know. I think I will enjoy studying a lot. I hope I will.
  62. Often, people will ask how your last relationship ended. I want to know how it began. Never had one~
  63. Where is your favorite place to go out and eat? I’ll walk out of the door and walk back into the house.
  64. What is something you want to change about your current situation? I feel empty mostly.
  65. Early bird or night owl? Night owl.
  66. Are there any childhood possessions you still hold on to? Bolster.. that’s it.
  67. Give me an unpopular opinion you have. It is possible to survive in the world by loving wholeheartedly. (Don’t know lah just wanted to say)
  68. What was the last song that was stuck in your head? Clap Your Hands by 2NE1. Their To Anyone album is the bomb!!!!!!
  69. Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you want. Sunny Singapore!!!
  70. Do you believe in giving kids medals and trophies for participation? I guess? To kids who appreciate them lah.
  71. What was the longest car ride you’ve ever taken? Either in Australia, or to Genting..
  72. Have you ever taken part in a protest? Nope.
  73. Would you ever use an online dating service? Probably not.
  74. What is your ethnic heritage? Chinese.
  75. Describe a person that inspires you. Diane Leow. She’s a friend that I’ve probably only met once but never talked to before in my whole life, but her love for God is just mad crazy, and I love her ‘tude towards life. HALLELUJAH.
  76. If you earn minimum wage doing what you love, would you? I would even do it for free.
  77. Do you believe in luck? Sometimes..
  78. Describe the last time you were very angry at someone. Don’t recall..
  79. Do you want to live until you’re 100? Doing the right things, living the right life.
  80. Do people change? If so, how do you keep a relationship together when both of you start to change? I believe that people do change. And I honestly don’t know about the second part. People tell me that love is complicated, but I don’t think it is until you make it out to be.
  81. Have you ever risked a friendship by telling someone you liked them? Not really..
  82. Would you rather be alone doing something you enjoy, or doing something you don’t like with your best friends? Alone
  83. Do you practice what you preach? Sometimes
  84. If you take precautions to stay safe, do you ultimately act more recklessly? No. I am so guarded with my logical thinking.
  85. What do you value more in a significant other: Attractiveness or intelligence? Intelligence.
  86. Are you hard-headed? Yes.
  87. Have you ever laughed uncontrollably when it was socially inappropriate? Don’t remember. But I can be weird.
  88. When have you felt most alive? With my squad.
  89. Would you prefer to live? A city? The suburbs? The countryside? The mountains? Countryside.
  90. Do you often skip breakfast? Yes.
  91. How do you know what true love is? How would I know? When will I know?
  92. Would you want to know the exact date and time you were going to die? No.
  93. Where is “home” for you? Where the heart is.
  94. What song best describes your life right now? Blue.
  95. Do you want to be perfect? In my imperfections.
  96. What have you never tried, but would really like to someday? What’s holding you back? Official dance lessons. I guess I’m just tired everyday mostly, and I’m afraid I can’t do well.
  97. How do you express your creativity? Doodle. Cut paper. Paste on walls. 
  98. Describe your neighborhood.  Safe? But got a lot of REALLY weird foreigners. I’m not discriminating. Bad experiences.
  99. Name something you only liked because it was popular. Polaroids
  100. Give me the story of your life in six words. I have loved you to death.

2half

Bucket list oh bucket list..

This was my bucket list from about two months ago. I’m at the same state right now, except that I did strike out a few more.

  • Learn Korean
  • Learn driving
  • Vacation
  • Buy a DSLR
  • Explore Singapore
  • Catch up on dramas
  • Find what I wanted to do in life
  • Pack room
  • Read unread books
  • Find Christ

It’s really funny.

I guess, 2.5 months (2half) is really a signal to me that it’s time to really do a proper bucket list. About 2 weeks out of those 10 will be spent away in camps (SNCO, Arts Camp, Uni Church camp), and it doesn’t seem like I can do anything big.. so I will just do a random bucket list of things I have done either once or none.. Don’t know when I’ll be able to tick off stuff so I’ll just leave this here for now! Time to sleep. 잘자~

Hannah’s Bucket List (made it a permanent page)
1. Fall in love
2. Go to the beach and build sandcastles
3. Eat dinner with crazies
4. Put on make up properly
5. Sleepover
6. Pillow fights
7. Bake a cake
8. Ice-skate
9. Draw a portrait of a friend
10. Pour ice down someone’s back
11. Date
12. Go K
13. Learn how to dance
14. Drink soju
15. Eat steak
16. Watch the sunset & sunrise on the same day
17. Be a bridesmaid
18. Fry a perfect sunny side-up
19. Go for Alive Tour
20. First kiss
21. Cook an awesome meal for someone’s birthday
22. Go on a best-friends-only road trip
23. Stay up all night talking
24. Try blue cheese
25. Own a cartoon character suit
26. Pretend to be powerpuff girls and save the day
27. Make ramen
28. Finish the Bible
29. Paint my room pink
30. Meet Big Bang
31. Take a splendid photo
32. Drive a car
33. Backpacking in Australia
34. Be a proficient Korean speaker
35. Draw on my wall
36. Go to a ball prettily
37. Save $10000
38. Lose ten
39. Finish unread books
40. Meet 2NE1
41. Plan a birthday surprise
42. Sketch GD
43. Find my soulmate
44. Roll around in the sand
45. Take up yoga
46. Eat chocolate banana cake on every birthday
47. Take a rollercoaster ride
48. Play a fun running man
49. Pray for family to be healthy
50. Love God