Weak Tree

I don’t know why I’m here. Maybe because it’s Week 3 of school (already) and I still feel really unsettled.

I remember how I felt on my first day of school. I felt extremely homesick and I felt extremely emotional that night. I talked to Liwen and I felt better coz she decided that we should meet up and catch up. So thankful for her.

Anyway that part about being homesick is somewhat gone, but I still feel want to be home all the time. I miss my mum being angry at me for infuriating her and my brothers being assholes. And despite all that things that we have gone through we are still a family.

This is probably more about me being extremely self-conscious when it comes to mugging and stuff. I feel so darn insecure when I feel like I’m lagging in readings, that I don’t understand a module I bid 261 out of 600 points for, or that I don’t understand my Japanese Studies readings. I feel like I don’t know how to study.

I think the worst thing comes is when I know I can rely on You for strength but I don’t. Isn’t it stupid? Like I know I need You and I know You want me but I don’t want You? It feels like as if relying on You comes with so many strings attached but I just don’t manage to see how by not relying on You I can actually cut those strings free and be a new person again.

And then there’s the fear of “what could have been”. It’s really stupid when I think about it. I mean, I barely know anyone! It’s ridiculous how ridiculous I am when it comes to understanding relationships. And then it hurts because I don’t feel like I understand relationships anymore. It’s quite silly, really. Silly of me.

Oh and on this note, my 2nd BFF in the world is leaving for Scotland in less than 2 weeks 😥 I take comfort in the knowledge that she’ll still be around, and I really hope she stays safe and settles in well. Operation Secret Mango was such a success (Mango because she hates mangoes)

I’m just ranting roar. Went to the University Health Centre to find that it was closed for lunch time and I had to wait for half an hour for it to be opened. Roar let’s hope I get past these week before I start afresh again.

Oh yeah, I still find it really strange how I manage to keep my mouth shut and not be able to communicate with people in the real world while I come up with this bunch of nonsense here.

I think I’m really weird.

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Hello NUS!

Cliché as it sounds (or maybe not so), I’m honestly really excited to start school. I’ve always loved studying honestly – pinky swear honest.

I don’t know how life will work out for me ultimately, but I know You’ll take me through everything and continue to teach me grace and love in the smallest, most impossible ways.

And I am so so so so thankful for Cheryl Chau 🙂 My FASS + TH buddy! We just had our first lepak session in my room when Jade came over to eat my feng li su hahaha. Failed attempt to jio the Eusoff kids out for supper but oh well, LAI RI FANG CHANG (I have no idea where my language toolbar is)

First lecture’s Psych at 6pm tomorrow later. Biopsychology! 😀

Summer’s over, and here’s to a new chapter of my life! :’)

P.S Looking forward to eating one stall at a time at The Deck HAHA.