I remember CH asking me what turning twenty one meant to me. At that point in time I carried a lot of hurt, regrets and wounds – wounds I knew that had scars that would never heal. I can never be brave enough to tell anyone what happened, for fear they would see me different. That the YX they knew did such a thing (I didn’t do anything illegal btw lol) to someone so dear to her. She doesn’t see it anymore, I think. We are old friends. I try my best not to think of what I did when I meet her. I carry the weight of my mistakes on myself, and I will never forgive myself, as much as I try.
Would you love me even with my dark side?
When I was just a few years younger I thought having a significant other meant a great deal to me. It still does, of course. But the fear of getting into a relationship is the fear of having to struggle to get out of that very same one. And that thought petrifies me. Why would I want to be living in a relationship in fear that it would become my worst nightmare.
One of the most important challenges that I have faced during internship is questioning my values on marriage, relationships and divorce. It became clear to me in my struggle with my personal value system that I lived with the fear of having the kind of relationship my own parents have as my own – Taylor Swift’s Mine is really the song of my life.
Will I ever be good enough to be the best thing that’s ever been yours?
Internship aside, summer 2014’s really been about catching up with old friends (Denise, Esther, Shimin, Shuqi, the lot) before I leave Singapore for 5+ months. Seems pretty daunting at this stage, and without foolproof travel plans in place honestly it’s pretty scary!
Gotta get my act together, finish my assignment, book my last accommodation in Dubrovnik and find out how to travel from place to place. The rest, to be honest, sightseeing and to-do(s) — last thing on my mind!
P.S I counsel others for a living. Your truth is yours, mine is mine. No advice or anything, thanks 🙂