If (I Were) You

My most recent favourites from 2NE1 & BB :> I swear they are damn awesome songs (I bawl each time I listen to them)

네가 나로 살아 봤으면 해
내가 너로 살아 봤으면 해
단 하루라도 느껴 봤으면 해
너의 마음
나의 마음


I wish you could be me
I wish I could be you
I wish you could feel it for just a day
Your heart
My heart

너도 나와 같이 힘들다면
우리 조금 쉽게 갈 수는 없을까


If you’re struggling like I am
Can’t we make things a little easier?









Weak Tree

I don’t know why I’m here. Maybe because it’s Week 3 of school (already) and I still feel really unsettled.

I remember how I felt on my first day of school. I felt extremely homesick and I felt extremely emotional that night. I talked to Liwen and I felt better coz she decided that we should meet up and catch up. So thankful for her.

Anyway that part about being homesick is somewhat gone, but I still feel want to be home all the time. I miss my mum being angry at me for infuriating her and my brothers being assholes. And despite all that things that we have gone through we are still a family.

This is probably more about me being extremely self-conscious when it comes to mugging and stuff. I feel so darn insecure when I feel like I’m lagging in readings, that I don’t understand a module I bid 261 out of 600 points for, or that I don’t understand my Japanese Studies readings. I feel like I don’t know how to study.

I think the worst thing comes is when I know I can rely on You for strength but I don’t. Isn’t it stupid? Like I know I need You and I know You want me but I don’t want You? It feels like as if relying on You comes with so many strings attached but I just don’t manage to see how by not relying on You I can actually cut those strings free and be a new person again.

And then there’s the fear of “what could have been”. It’s really stupid when I think about it. I mean, I barely know anyone! It’s ridiculous how ridiculous I am when it comes to understanding relationships. And then it hurts because I don’t feel like I understand relationships anymore. It’s quite silly, really. Silly of me.

Oh and on this note, my 2nd BFF in the world is leaving for Scotland in less than 2 weeks 😥 I take comfort in the knowledge that she’ll still be around, and I really hope she stays safe and settles in well. Operation Secret Mango was such a success (Mango because she hates mangoes)

I’m just ranting roar. Went to the University Health Centre to find that it was closed for lunch time and I had to wait for half an hour for it to be opened. Roar let’s hope I get past these week before I start afresh again.

Oh yeah, I still find it really strange how I manage to keep my mouth shut and not be able to communicate with people in the real world while I come up with this bunch of nonsense here.

I think I’m really weird.

(Crazy) Brain

Doesn’t it scare you that you have so much stuff going on in your brain you just wanna rip out some synapses and get yourself to stop thinking about ten things at the same time? Because it very well does scare me like crazy and all I want to think of is nothing.

Can we also ever truly run from our innermost hidden insecurities that we’ve buried since a long time ago? It’s a definite no, because they’ll come back to haunt us. The brain’s power of association is so strong that even the littlest of things triggers a memory.

Now I’m feeling like some crazy, depressed person AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

25 Things To Do Before You Turn 25

(from t)

1. Make peace with your parents. Whether you finally recognize that they actually have your best interests in mind or you forgive them for being flawed human beings, you can’t happily enter adulthood with that familial brand of resentment. (J: I only learn after I ‘lose’ them, like in 2010 when I got stuck at Heathrow Airport all alone without family.)

2. Kiss someone you think is out of your league; kiss models and med students and entrepreneurs with part-time lives in Dubai and don’t worry about if they’re going to call you afterward. (J: Hahahaha I should get my first kiss first)

3. Minimize your passivity. (J: Tough, for someone who thinks way too much and spends a good part of her life pondering on the reason for her existence)

4. Work a service job to gain some understanding of how tipping works, how to keep your cool around assholes, how a few kind words can change someone’s day. (J: I know the 2nd and 3rd part. Would really like to work as a barista tho! Even tho it’s super lowly paid)

5. Recognize freedom as a 5:30 a.m. trip to the diner with a bunch of strangers you’ve just met. (J: I’m already so unwilling to go out on a 5:30 p.m. dinner with non-strangers! Hahaha. Surprise me.)

6. Try not to beat yourself up over having obtained a ‘useless’ Bachelor’s Degree. Debt is hell, and things didn’t pan out quite like you expected, but you did get to go to college, and having a degree isn’t the worst thing in the world to have. We will figure this mess out, I think, probably; the point is you’re not worth less just because there hasn’t been an immediate pay off for going to school. Be patient, work with what you have, and remember that a lot of us are in this together. (J: No comments. God would take us to where he wants us to go. Just.. pray.)

7. If you’re employed in any capacity, open a savings account. You never know when you might be unemployed or in desperate need of getting away for a few days. Even $10 a week is $520 more a year than you would’ve had otherwise. (J: Is it strange that I have had it for the longest time ever? Nah, probably not.)

8. Make a habit of going outside, enjoying the light, relearning your friends, forgetting the internet. (J: YAY!!!!!)

9. Go on a 4-day, brunch-fueled bender. (J: Oh hell to the no)

10. Start a relationship with your crush by telling them that you want them. Directly. Like, look them in the face and say it to them. Say, I want you. I want to be with you. (J: OMG Probably would be the most dangerous thing I’ll ever do in my life)

11. Learn to say ‘no’ — to yourself. Don’t keep wearing high heels if you hate them; don’t keep smoking if you’re disgusted by the way you smell the morning after; stop wasting entire days on your couch if you’re going to complain about missing the sun. (J: Speaks to me entirely lollllll)

12. Take time to revisit the places that made you who you are: the apartment you grew up in, your middle school, your hometown. These places may or may not be here forever; you definitely won’t be. (J: I miss NAPS 😦 But I can’t go back to Brunei or Aussie hahaha maybe not yet.)

13. Find a hobby that makes being alone feel lovely and empowering and like something to look forward to. (J: Reading haha (Y))

14. Think you know yourself until you meet someone better than you. (J: Oh dear)

15. Forget who you are, what your priorities are, and how a person should be. (J: What, should I be getting drunk???)

16. Identify your fears and instead of letting them dictate your every move, find and talk to people who have overcome them. Don’t settle for experiencing .000002% of what the world has to offer because you’re afraid of getting on a plane. (J: In fact I love the airplane. But no, I need a counsellor desperately)

17. Make a habit of cleaning up and letting go. Just because it fit at one point doesn’t mean you need to keep it forever — whether ‘it’ is your favorite pair of pants or your ex.

18. Stop hating yourself. (J: I’m a bitch ahhahaa)

19. Go out and watch that movie, read that book, listen to that band you already lied about watching, reading, listening to. (J: I would just say I didn’t do any of them in the first place LOL)

20. Take advantage of health insurance while you have it. (J: Count the blessings of being a Singaporean man. And parents who are more concerned about your health than your future. No sarcasm there)

21. Make a habit of telling people how you feel, whether it means writing a gushing fan-girl email to someone whose work you love or telling your boss why you deserve a raise. (J: I feel like writing a fanmail.)

22. Date someone who says, “I love you” first.  (J: Already blushing like mad in advance. FYI I don’t blush.)

23. Leave the country under the premise of “finding yourself.” This will be unsuccessful. Places do not change people. Instead, do a lot of solo drinking, read a lot of books, have sex in dirty hostels, and come home when you start to miss it. (J: I did this when I was 17.)

24. Suck it up and buy a Macbook Pro. (J: Oh, my, God this costs a bomb)

25. Quit that job that’s making you miserable, end the relationship that makes you act like a lunatic, lose the friend whose sole purpose in life is making you feel like you’re perpetually on the verge of vomiting. You’re young, you’re resilient, there are other jobs and relationships and friends if you’re patient and open. (J: Maybe one day, I will sell my assets (if I even own any then), take a camera and travel the world (& seek grace in all) LOL)

The Big U

No, not the U as in “Unsatisfactory” in grades, but U as in “University”, at long last.

Hahaha the Big As finally dropped the bomb on everyone on Friday. Crazy crazy.

Of course I would cry for Chemistry.. when you put your heart, your soul and your kaching into a field of study you are so amazed from deep within by it nearly killed me when I saw B.

Of course I would cry when I knew I couldn’t go overseas.. when you’re blessed with parents who unfortunately (or fortunately) aren’t the GIC President or a super Litigator and can’t afford to let you go overseas even if you are capable of it it would have killed me when I saw that my grades went way above expectations.

Of course I would cry when I finally prayed and understood that God gave me my parents, that by God’s Grace I will not complain, that by God’s Grace I am already so so fortunate to be in Singapore, that by God’s Grace I am so so thankful for taking me through the Big As even if I felt as if I might as not have studied hard at all.

That by God’s Grace I am more than just unworthy of Your love, but You love me nonetheless.

감사합니다, 주님.

주님 내가 여기있사오니

주님 내가 여기 있사오니 나를 보내소서
나의 맘 나의 몸 주께 드리오니 주 받으옵소서
주님 내가 여기 있사오니 나를 써주소서 
가진 것 모두 다 주께 드리오니 주 받으옵소서
알렐루야 알렐루야 알렐루야 알렐루야
알렐루야 알렐루야 알렐루야 알렐루야

: )