I don’t know why I’m here. Maybe because it’s Week 3 of school (already) and I still feel really unsettled.
I remember how I felt on my first day of school. I felt extremely homesick and I felt extremely emotional that night. I talked to Liwen and I felt better coz she decided that we should meet up and catch up. So thankful for her.
Anyway that part about being homesick is somewhat gone, but I still feel want to be home all the time. I miss my mum being angry at me for infuriating her and my brothers being assholes. And despite all that things that we have gone through we are still a family.
This is probably more about me being extremely self-conscious when it comes to mugging and stuff. I feel so darn insecure when I feel like I’m lagging in readings, that I don’t understand a module I bid 261 out of 600 points for, or that I don’t understand my Japanese Studies readings. I feel like I don’t know how to study.
I think the worst thing comes is when I know I can rely on You for strength but I don’t. Isn’t it stupid? Like I know I need You and I know You want me but I don’t want You? It feels like as if relying on You comes with so many strings attached but I just don’t manage to see how by not relying on You I can actually cut those strings free and be a new person again.
And then there’s the fear of “what could have been”. It’s really stupid when I think about it. I mean, I barely know anyone! It’s ridiculous how ridiculous I am when it comes to understanding relationships. And then it hurts because I don’t feel like I understand relationships anymore. It’s quite silly, really. Silly of me.
Oh and on this note, my 2nd BFF in the world is leaving for Scotland in less than 2 weeks 😥 I take comfort in the knowledge that she’ll still be around, and I really hope she stays safe and settles in well. Operation Secret Mango was such a success (Mango because she hates mangoes)
I’m just ranting roar. Went to the University Health Centre to find that it was closed for lunch time and I had to wait for half an hour for it to be opened. Roar let’s hope I get past these week before I start afresh again.
Oh yeah, I still find it really strange how I manage to keep my mouth shut and not be able to communicate with people in the real world while I come up with this bunch of nonsense here.
I think I’m really weird.