The Start of Something New

I know I used to come back here to write every month but I guess this semester has been quite crazy aha… when I have time I usually just nua and sleep and watch food/baking videos ha ha ha

Will probably have more time next semester! The start of the end of an amazing 16 years of formal education and the start of the beginning of difficult but beautiful times of formal work life. Enter the plankton of the ultimate food chain.

Still got 2 more (two much)  finals to go. Difficult times ahead. And then lunch with batchies, Gardens By The Bay Christmas Wonderland + Future of SG with momsies, collecting my shopping and getting new schedulers, starting a new attachment, going to Korea for Christmas (!!!)..

“Build Christmas on Presence, not Presents”

Stay strong, stay beautiful gaiz.

Can’t wait to meet my favourite people xx

귀찮다


Tbh I would really love to scream and shout and complain but I don’t even have the energy to do that anymore.

They were decisions I made about my own education anyway.. And the consequences I would bear. Though I can already see that any point in time something goes wrong I would likely break apart and crumble. Hahaha. I’m so busy trying to handle all this, I have no energy to deal with other people’s stuff even though I really want to be there and around and listen and all that. My quota of empathy and love and patience and all that is all maxed out in focusing on my own education. If I have to be honest with myself, I have always found it difficult to give and love a little more. I was just walking along the corridor in school and thinking to myself, wow, I really love myself more than I love anyone else.. And I’m pretty darn selfish by my standards. I would always fight for myself first and making sure I’m well fed (hahaha I live to eat). It’s quite sad knowing that mentality stems from experiences of the past in which I constantly depend on myself to fight for my own life.. Hahahaha

But nonetheless, there’s an even greater limit to loving and giving in face all this stuff going on. I wish I could give more and love more but I really think it’s a time when I need to focus on myself more about realizing what I can give and who I am as a social worker in the making.. And I really need support even when I don’t ask for it.

I wondered if I made the right decisions about my education, yknow? What if I chose an easier final year? What if I didn’t go for exchange? What if I don’t do Honours thesis? But I made those decisions, and I wanna be responsible for them. I don’t wanna run from anything anymore. I’m not the same angsty kid I was in ’09. I’m not the girl haunted by the ghost of her mistakes in ’12. I’m the girl who’s happy, and free, and crazy in ’15. A pretty darn patriotic Singaporean who’s passionate about love, and faith, and hope. A believer in the goodness of people, and that we all deserve all the goodness this world has to offer.

We all deserve our best chance, and I wanna be a better person to help give others their best chances.

i’m not sure

I’m actually pretty afraid of what will come this semester. I’ve never taken beyond the typical workload in my whole university career and have in fact been underloading for three semesters. Now I have to overload in my Honours year AND do Honours thesis with my placement agency AND plan&execute a neighbourhood health screening project with the Medicine students. And I have to start preparing for job interviews.

I’m not sure why I signed myself up for such a difficult life…….

#ifiperishiperish #insidejoke

Expectations

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“Sometimes, your insecurities and your inexperience may lead you, too, to embrace other people’s expectations, standards or values. But you can harness that inexperience to carve out your own path, one that is free of the burden of knowing how things are supposed to be, a path that is defined by its own particular set of reasons.”

Weak Tree

I don’t know why I’m here. Maybe because it’s Week 3 of school (already) and I still feel really unsettled.

I remember how I felt on my first day of school. I felt extremely homesick and I felt extremely emotional that night. I talked to Liwen and I felt better coz she decided that we should meet up and catch up. So thankful for her.

Anyway that part about being homesick is somewhat gone, but I still feel want to be home all the time. I miss my mum being angry at me for infuriating her and my brothers being assholes. And despite all that things that we have gone through we are still a family.

This is probably more about me being extremely self-conscious when it comes to mugging and stuff. I feel so darn insecure when I feel like I’m lagging in readings, that I don’t understand a module I bid 261 out of 600 points for, or that I don’t understand my Japanese Studies readings. I feel like I don’t know how to study.

I think the worst thing comes is when I know I can rely on You for strength but I don’t. Isn’t it stupid? Like I know I need You and I know You want me but I don’t want You? It feels like as if relying on You comes with so many strings attached but I just don’t manage to see how by not relying on You I can actually cut those strings free and be a new person again.

And then there’s the fear of “what could have been”. It’s really stupid when I think about it. I mean, I barely know anyone! It’s ridiculous how ridiculous I am when it comes to understanding relationships. And then it hurts because I don’t feel like I understand relationships anymore. It’s quite silly, really. Silly of me.

Oh and on this note, my 2nd BFF in the world is leaving for Scotland in less than 2 weeks 😥 I take comfort in the knowledge that she’ll still be around, and I really hope she stays safe and settles in well. Operation Secret Mango was such a success (Mango because she hates mangoes)

I’m just ranting roar. Went to the University Health Centre to find that it was closed for lunch time and I had to wait for half an hour for it to be opened. Roar let’s hope I get past these week before I start afresh again.

Oh yeah, I still find it really strange how I manage to keep my mouth shut and not be able to communicate with people in the real world while I come up with this bunch of nonsense here.

I think I’m really weird.

Hello NUS!

Cliché as it sounds (or maybe not so), I’m honestly really excited to start school. I’ve always loved studying honestly – pinky swear honest.

I don’t know how life will work out for me ultimately, but I know You’ll take me through everything and continue to teach me grace and love in the smallest, most impossible ways.

And I am so so so so thankful for Cheryl Chau 🙂 My FASS + TH buddy! We just had our first lepak session in my room when Jade came over to eat my feng li su hahaha. Failed attempt to jio the Eusoff kids out for supper but oh well, LAI RI FANG CHANG (I have no idea where my language toolbar is)

First lecture’s Psych at 6pm tomorrow later. Biopsychology! 😀

Summer’s over, and here’s to a new chapter of my life! :’)

P.S Looking forward to eating one stall at a time at The Deck HAHA.