귀찮다

Tbh I would really love to scream and shout and complain but I don’t even have the energy to do that anymore.

They were decisions I made about my own education anyway.. And the consequences I would bear. Though I can already see that any point in time something goes wrong I would likely break apart and crumble. Hahaha. I’m so busy trying to handle all this, I have no energy to deal with other people’s stuff even though I really want to be there and around and listen and all that. My quota of empathy and love and patience and all that is all maxed out in focusing on my own education. If I have to be honest with myself, I have always found it difficult to give and love a little more. I was just walking along the corridor in school and thinking to myself, wow, I really love myself more than I love anyone else.. And I’m pretty darn selfish by my standards. I would always fight for myself first and making sure I’m well fed (hahaha I live to eat). It’s quite sad knowing that mentality stems from experiences of the past in which I constantly depend on myself to fight for my own life.. Hahahaha

But nonetheless, there’s an even greater limit to loving and giving in face all this stuff going on. I wish I could give more and love more but I really think it’s a time when I need to focus on myself more about realizing what I can give and who I am as a social worker in the making.. And I really need support even when I don’t ask for it.

I wondered if I made the right decisions about my education, yknow? What if I chose an easier final year? What if I didn’t go for exchange? What if I don’t do Honours thesis? But I made those decisions, and I wanna be responsible for them. I don’t wanna run from anything anymore. I’m not the same angsty kid I was in ’09. I’m not the girl haunted by the ghost of her mistakes in ’12. I’m the girl who’s happy, and free, and crazy in ’15. A pretty darn patriotic Singaporean who’s passionate about love, and faith, and hope. A believer in the goodness of people, and that we all deserve all the goodness this world has to offer.

We all deserve our best chance, and I wanna be a better person to help give others their best chances.