오래만이다 it’s been awhile

wow, i haven’t posted since just before i started work.

what a journey the past 8 months have been.. a messy mix of tireless typing, fighting of battles, dried-up tears, numerous doctor visits, crazy contemplations, terrifying aches… no one day is the same. transitions have always been the most difficult phases of human lives, because change is so painful, and requires such adjustment expectations for the volatile beings that we are and the crazy state of affairs that we are in. finding the strength, courage, and even time to centre myself around all these has been terrible and terrifying – how many times have i fallen, or feel like i would fall, and needed so much more to be able to stay grounded and calm amidst crisis.

all i can say is… you’ve worked hard dearest yixi. 정말 수고했어요.

it was timely that i received the letter i wrote to my future self from the social work induction camp i attended in my early working days.. i scrawled the lyrics to Lee Hi’s Breathe.

i’m truly glad i did.


숨을 크게 쉬어봐요
당신의 가슴 양쪽이 저리게
조금은 아파올 때까지
숨을 더 뱉어봐요
당신의 안에 남은 게 없다고
느껴질 때까지
숨이 벅차올라도 괜찮아요
아무도 그댈 탓하진 않아
가끔은 실수해도 돼
누구든 그랬으니까
괜찮다는 말
말뿐인 위로지만

누군가의 한숨 그 무거운 숨을
내가 어떻게 헤아릴 수가 있을까요
당신의 한숨 그 깊일 이해할 순 없겠지만
괜찮아요 내가 안아줄게요

숨이 벅차올라도 괜찮아요
아무도 그댈 탓하진 않아
가끔은 실수해도 돼
누구든 그랬으니까
괜찮다는 말
말뿐인 위로지만

누군가의 한숨 그 무거운 숨을
내가 어떻게 헤아릴 수가 있을까요
당신의 한숨 그 깊일 이해할 순 없겠지만
괜찮아요 내가 안아줄게요

남들 눈엔 힘 빠지는
한숨으로 보일진 몰라도
나는 알고 있죠
작은 한숨 내뱉기도 어려운
하루를 보냈단 걸
이제 다른 생각은 마요
깊이 숨을 쉬어봐요
그대로 내뱉어요

누군가의 한숨 그 무거운 숨을
내가 어떻게 헤아릴 수가 있을까요
당신의 한숨 그 깊일 이해할 순 없겠지만
괜찮아요 내가 안아줄게요
정말 수고했어요

Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel
like there’s nothing left inside
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

Even if others think your sigh
Takes out energy and strength
I already know
That you had a day that’s hard enough
To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else
Let out a deep sigh
Just let it out like that

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you
You really did a good job


let this 8-month mark be a pledge to myself? to refresh myself and start anew a better mindset at work.. less emotional fatigue, more client-centric.. 할 수 있다.

아무 일 없을 거라고 Nothing’s gonna happen
내일은 더 나을 거라고 Tomorrow will be better

 

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Nearly halfway through

It’s March Holidays.. and I work in a school. Of course it’s my week off. Been nua-ing at home (like sleep at 3/4/5am wake up at 11/12/1/2/3pm kind), watching Sungkyunkwan Scandal (after skipping Poseidon and Secret Garden and cursing to MBC on why they delay my Moon/Sun finale episodes).. it’s been a nice time off, since I didn’t have to wake up early, travel so much and come back home feeling tired and all. Thankful for the week off.

And on another note, my boss happily allowed me to go Japan with D. Hahaha.

On another note, procrastination is a devil. Just finished booking accommodation with D in Japan today at long last, amounts up to about S$450 so I guess that’s fine.. hope we won’t be so unfortunate as to book a 黑店 lol. Expenditure is crazy, currently at S$1.1k, excluding transportation, food and shopping. End of the day probably gonna amount to $3k+. Kinda expected it for Japan, but aigoo..

Anyway the point is, we’re nearly halfway through. It’s been about 3.5 months since my last A Level paper on 1 December 2011. Cheehoe recently reminded me on his birthday to spend the remaining 4.5 months doing what I wanted to do that I could never have done before in a busy school term. I shall just list the few that I actually remember lol (since I upgraded to an iPhone 4S and didn’t manage to back up some old notes):

  1. Learn a new language: Korean, French, Japanese, Spanish
  2. Learn driving
  3. Vacation in Seoul
  4. Backpacking in Aussie
  5. Buy a DSLR
  6. Explore Singapore
  7. Catch up on dramas
  8. Find what I wanted to do in life
  9. Pack room
  10. Read unread books
  11. Find Christ again

Well..

1. Learn a new language: Korean, French, Japanese, Spanish

I am learning Korean, at a proper class with a proper teacher. Well.. not a very good language class since the teacher really isn’t an effective bilingual (in Korean and English, not that her Chinese is very good either).. at least my couple of months of self-exploration on the Korean language has prepped me well for learning this! But it gets kinda boring..

Going to Japan means having to pick up essential words too.. I feel so foreign from Japanese that I think I will simply speak Korean in the face of native Japanese. LOL.

2. Learn driving

I passed BTT.. well. Still very much repel driving. Maybe I’ll start soon.. after I come back from Japan? Sounds good.

3. Vacation in Seoul

Got completely hooked on K-Pop since August 2011, and I really enjoy Seoul culture and all.. so I really wanted to go. Planning to save this vacation up and go on a longer student exchange instead. Hahaha.

4. Backpacking in Aussie

When I’m older, when I feel like I don’t owe the world anything any more, I will.

5. Buy a DSLR

Fingers crossed, hopefully I’ll get one tomorrow. LOL.

#update: I JUST GOT IT LOL.

6. Explore Singapore

By this I meant go to the Zoo, go to free museums, walk around town etc and actually know and command Singapore’s culture to heart

7. Catch up on dramas

I most certainly did.. though I’m lagging behind in many shows (other than Grey’s)

8. Find what I wanted to do in life

This is a certain.. but not really certain. I finally switched away from Sociology to Psychology, and I’m pretty certain I wanna head in this direction, and I’m praying that this is the right one for me.

9.  Pack room

Packed, need to pack again.

10. Read unread books

Gotta start! Bought like 7 new books but haven’t read a single one. Need to start shelf my Korean book (by Ban Ki Moon, can’t read it yet for nuts..) and dig out my 10+ unread Picoult books. And my awesome possum psychology books 😀

11. Find Christ again

I think more importantly than this, it’s to find the relationship and make it everlasting.. tough journey so far.

Gotta meet up with friends.. Jia Hui, Glada.. you know. To chill, not to talk about work and stuff. Been drowning in work and worrying about money issues for the past 1.5 months. Crazy.

On a side note, been tasked to write up on why I went back to DHS after taking Os.. lol. Looking back on the then entirely irrational side of Yi Xi.. crazy. Crazy times.

Siglap Sec.

Work at Siglap Sec is starting to make me miss Ngee Ann a lot..

Need to think long and hard if I’m gonna stay for a long time. Marking is tough for most except for summaries, and it’s challenging my knowledge of English. I’m most afraid of writing model essays, because I’ve never been able to score high in O Level English. Plus Pasir Ris is super far for me.

Honestly I would gladly take up if a vacancy in TKSS opened up..

Teaching is interesting, but I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I prefer to watch people – their interactions and behaviours. It’s almost as if 4 years of doing that have taught me to predict their next response. Maybe that’s why I’d do well in Psychology.

Then again.. Lol.

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BB is back:)